Clive Rowe "Why Me?" talk for the 26th March, 2023 - Fifth Sunday of Lent

Why Me? The follow up after four years.

I unwisely or otherwise raised with  Revd Peter Wolton the possibility that those who had given  Why me? Talks should be invited back after a suitable period to describe for better or worse their  experiences since giving their talk.  Challenged to do just that I have put some thoughts together.

My original talk alluded to many of the  struggles and prejudices that flanked my path to Christianity, in effect saying how  many  bullets  had been dodged.  Now is time for a snapshot of where I feel I am on my journey.  As before I move from questioning everything towards something more fruitful.

Since I put my original talk together we have been on a retreat to Launde Abbey and as part of that I formulated seven questions along the lines generally of  Why are we here? Where is this leading? What was the outcome? Nothing original but I realise  that put together the questions including the words used to formulate them set a challenging environment for assessing the retreat.

Equally the questions could be applied  more widely in formulating a direction of spiritual travel. I have found them helpful in putting together the story of the four years since my original talk.

The questions look back on an event and ask:
1    Has there been a discernible improvement in personal well being?
2    Has there been evidence of a more fruitful and productive
      life?  
3    Is there evidence of the guidance of the Holy Spirit?
4    Is there any discernible evidence of the guidance of God   
in one’s daily life?      
5    Is there evidence of response to his word in one’s daily   
life?  
6    Is there evidence of drawing closer to God?
7   Were there a difficult situation – and I should say there was and  is none– it would important to ask if the Holy Spirit could be seen at work in the solving of the problem.

Where should the story begin?  Clearly it can begin only with personal experience and personal reactions to that experience. Further progress may come from the discernment of the influence of the Holy Spirit in that experience. Further development still may come from prayer or new insights and perspectives. There is one great difficulty in discerning any of these things namely that it is I who makes the discernment.  Is it a case of having to mark one’s own exam paper?  Probably it is the honest realisation of this process that is the start of further progress. It is not a process that is doomed to go off the rails and I have found the process of assessment beneficial.

Clearly the last three or four  years have been very different for everyone from the previous three due to the  pandemic.  The loss of good friends, isolation, illness have all contributed to one’s life experience.

But what has been the reaction? A bad reaction could, at one end of the spectrum, be breaking the lockdown rules, ignoring the ill effects this might have had on others.  Even if one has steered clear of  illegality, has there been a feeling that the period of lockdown brought great benefits? In my view, the worst feeling of wellbeing is smugness.  Has there been a smugness about survival?  Hopefully not. But the reaction could have been to engender a genuine desire to help those less fortunate and to act positively to do so. But was the Holy Spirit involved in that?  Clearly many people  who do not believe in God might have been equally imbued with such a desire.

But returning to the seven questions,  and the pandemic apart, the first question asks in effect whether there has there been a discernible improvement in personal well  being and the second in effect whether there is evidence of a more fruitful life over the past four years?   

One of the important things to  come out of anniversaries and wedding anniversaries in particular is the opportunity they give for reflection.  Last September marked our 50th wedding anniversary.  Time for a reflection but  not, I am happy to say, a rethink!  So much support, happiness and progress has  resulted from 50 years of being  married to Gill that it is  more than a little uplifting to realise just  how far one has travelled and where one has come to date.

The anniversary also highlights something we did for our 25th wedding anniversary namely the setting up of a grant making trust. This certainly has  made our lives more fruitful and productive and hopefully it does the same for those who benefit from grants made.  After twenty five years there are many things to look back on.  I am very glad we were able to do this.   

Of course many people who do not believe in God can benefit from long marriages or setting up a foundation. They could answer yes to my first two questions.

But coming back to my five other questions, can I  see in either of these two events evidence of the influence of the Holy Spirit  or God  at work in my daily life or have I drawn closer to God or was any of this was in response to his word? Simply reading out a list of answers to the questions would not cut the mustard. This would in all likelihood shut out further consideration or discussion of the issues. Nor will the answers be in the form of a series of yes or no replies to each of the questions in the manner of a checklist. Each answer will be a more nuanced response to each question. Some answers are ‘maybe’ or ‘maybe not’ others could be ‘possibly’.  The answers won’t necessarily be the same every time I think of them.  Again it is the process that I have found beneficial.

There are difficulties in finding the right words to describe out of the ordinary feelings.  In describing a piece of cake as divine are we trying to make contact with the listener hoping they will help you find the word or maybe it is a transferred epithet for the person who made the cake or a blasphemous abuse of language. If it is difficult to find the right words to describe an inanimate object how much more so is it when describing feelings or experiences.
This is certainly true in relation both the events I have described. Feeling the blessing of both events breathes a positive feeling that is unfathomable. It is the positive feeling that anyone could crave for.  
Perhaps it is after all not blasphemous to describe a piece of cake as divine.