Why Me? Talk 23rd of March 2025 - Denny Morris

Today we worship on the Third Sunday of Lent, and it is exactly 2 years ago, on the Third Sunday of Lent, that I joined your church service for the first time.  It was not just the first time joining you, but the first time EVER in my life that I had joined a church service.

That is because I was brought up in a strict religious group which, in many quarters, is classified as a Doomsday Cult, but I’ll say ‘Group’ here.  My entire extended family were in it. This Group believes it is the only true religion and that all other religions, including the churches and priests, are false and under the control of Satan, as is the whole world and the people in it.  At an unknown (but really soon) time the entire Satanic world will be destroyed.

The indoctrination was intense, all consuming, and especially successful with children, to the point where, for the rest of my life, I would never go into a church to worship.  The thought would never enter my head.  But I’m in one now.  So why did it enter my head.  Why Me.

There’s something else.  I live in Brixton.  There must be a thousand churches between here and Brixton.   If I was meant to enter a church, why not one closer to home, why end up miles away here.  So, we have a second question.  Why you.   You, the Congregation of St. John the Baptist, Holland Road.

Why Me, Why You.

There are perhaps some clues within the Holy Scriptures that I’d like to pass by you.  See what you think.  But first, let’s back track and get me to your door.

I married, for the first time, in my mid 20’s. We divorced 12 years later but I left the Group shortly after we were married.  The reality had hit that, if we had kids, I didn’t want them brought up that way and Husband didn’t mind.  My leaving had to be gradual or my family would have been obliged to cut me off.  When people leave an enforced faith they often leave God as well.  I didn’t.  I never said a bad word about God but can’t remember praying though. When you leave a religious regime, no matter how inappropriate, you do lose your point of reference. God was always there in the background of my life but hidden in shadow.  The connection was lost.

Life rumbled on and I tried to be just normal like everyone else but that sticky religious web surrounding my family still got to me.  Eventually I reached the safe harbour that was Rob Morris, my second and last husband.  I fell into his arms and just stayed there for 20 glorious years.

In the week approaching the Third Sunday of Lent 2023, whilst searching on-line for dog friendly outings, I stumbled upon a doggy site featuring the annual Pet Blessing Service at St. John’s, which was not until October, but also some mention of taking your dog to Sunday Mass.  Checking the St. John’s website it showed an Open Day and Tour being held that Saturday, so I went along out of curiosity.  My head was seeing this as a doggy matter, not a church event.

So, I have arrived at your door.  My hand is about to open it.  Freeze frame just for a moment.

I didn’t know it then but, later, I would be mooching through my bible, looking at the Lord’s Prayer and what Jesus was saying beforehand.  In Matthew 6 verse 8 he said a short sentence – your Father knows what you need before you ask him.  Well, I didn’t ask.  I didn’t know I needed to go to church but perhaps God did. Could it be true that God led me here and, if so, Why Me.

And Why You.  Why your church.  What would be needed from your church.  What did God know.  What’s behind the door.  Firstly, I would need a warm welcome.   My hand is on the door.  Unfreeze frame, we’re going in. 

Straight into the presence of Father Neil.  What a delight.  Warm and welcoming.  He showed us all around the church with such joy, as though it was a friendly home.  I suppose it is a home, God’s home, where we all gather.  He presented it as a comfortable place.  At the end I mentioned to him that I’d never attended a church service and wouldn’t know what to do but he said not to worry, they give you an order of service which tells you everything, just get here and ENJOY it.  If he’d just passed it off as, ‘well you’re welcome to join us’ I probably would never have gone back, but he bothered enough to give me the encouraging information – they give you a leaflet that tells you what to do.  I’m still here.  He has got a lot to answer for.

I arrived on the Sunday, with Gelert (not here today), viewing it just as an outing for doggy and a curiosity but, as the service progressed, I really did enjoy it. Such a difference, the worshippers were involved in the service so much, alongside the clergy.  And then the thing that really blew me away – you all prayed together.  I’d never seen a whole congregation pray together, and it was The Lord’s Prayer.  That was never used in the Group, although I knew it of course.   It’s special because Jesus gave it to us, and it’s so beautiful in its simplicity, yet powerful, and I thought to myself, THIS is how you worship God.

There’s the answer to Why Me.  I had been separated from God for so long, confused about methods of worship, angry at the wasted years being coerced into blind obedience, and here was a new pathway to God, found in a church.

The next thing needed would be direction and guidance.  Well, a couple of weeks after that, Father Peter announced they were doing baptisms and confirmations later that year.  It was early days but I didn’t want to lose God again, I wanted to belong.  So, I went to Father Peter and expected him to say you have to meet certain criteria and they didn’t baptise just anybody, but he didn’t.  He just gently asked if I was sure that’s what I wanted.  Yes, I was sure.

So, in the Autumn, I joined the confirmation classes alongside Tracy and Niel.  They knew how the church worked which was still a bit of a mystery to me. It was like they were the older kids and I was the pesky younger sibling, pattering along behind yelling WAIT FOR ME.  Yet not once did either of them make me feel out of place, and they did patiently wait for me and swept me along with them.  I must thank Tracy in particular for her kind guidance in those early days and beyond.

I would then need reassurance as enthusiasm gave way to doubt.  The last of my family, in Dorset, were still entrenched in the Group and, as an experienced carer of my late husband, I was often called to help with the care of my uncle who was 100 years old.  His End of Life Care was due to start and I’d need to leave for Dorset immediately after the Confirmation.

I was frightened, knowing the house would be full of Group elders.   Would I tell them about my baptism and confirmation and receiving of communion.  I knew how horrified they’d be that I had entered, what they considered to be, a House of Satan and stood at Satan’s Altar, and I had a bit of a wobble as I saw it through their eyes, my old eyes.  Father James arranged for a little chat.  I might have expected him to tell me to pull myself together, do you want to be confirmed or not, but no, he understood the turmoil.  We slowly worked our way around it and his kindness, his wisdom and prayer gave me confidence.

To be fair, when I did arrive in Dorset, my uncle had already died and the elders were really kind.  They didn’t question me about anything so I didn’t have to blurt it all out.  But then, with Father James, we didn’t know that was going to happen.

So I was happily baptised in this very font, then four of us, Tracy, Niel and me, and Eslie from St. George’s, were confirmed, with you all watching over us.

Recently I did the bible reading from Acts 9 about the conversion of Saul.  In verse 15 Saul of Tarsus is named as the Lord’s ‘chosen instrument’ to fulfil a specific task.   So, when I asked Why You, is it possible that you, as a congregation, could be picked out as the ideal church, the ‘chosen instrument’, to nurture a complete novice who wandered through your door.

I’d walked in knowing nothing of church worship, not even knowing how to cross myself because the Group didn’t accept the cross.  Yet the congregation, as individuals, and collectively, have provided everything that was needed.

All of you - the Clergy and Servers Team, the Congregation, my Confirmation Siblings, the Singers, the Organist, you’ve all combined and brought me up as it were, and got me to this point.

I have a renewed connection with God.  I am a fledgling Anglican.

And I thank God every day for that.