John Arumainayagam "Why Me?" Talk for the 10th of March - Fourth Sunday after Lent

I am a third generation Christian of Southern Indian origin. My maternal grandfather was a Methodist minister and I think that the early influences of devout Christian parents and extended family helped to lay the foundations for my Christian faith.

 As I was born in Malaysia and spent most of my childhood there I don’t remember my grandfather and only have vague recollections of my other grandparents. What I do remember about my early childhood is that it was joyous going to church. I loved singing the hymns as I had a good voice and knew some of the hymns by heart much to the astonishment of the other parishioners in our pew. I also found Sunday school a lot of fun and loved listening to the Bible stories. The whole experience for me was very uplifting and I would have quite happily spent most of my Sunday in the church. I guess I must have yearned for this during the weekdays in my pre-school years as I remember fantasy play also involved some element of a church service. The part that I recall the most is holy communion and the distribution of bread and wine. As children we used to indulge in oriental sweets one of which was a Chinese wafer that resembled a communion wafer in shape & size and was perfect for our imaginary game.

 The chalice was our drinking cup which was made of stainless steel filled to the brim with Ribena. I was a couple of years older than my younger siblings so I got to be the priest and really relished this role.  

 My early teenage years are a different story. We had moved from Malaysia to Brunei and more crucially my voice broke and the angelic singing voice lost forever. Mouthing words to favourite hymns is a poor substitute to the real thing. The church was also a different environment to the one I was used to in Malaysia. As missing church services in our family was not an option I became a regular worshiper at the only Anglican church in town. Ironically during this period when I was least enthusiastic about going to church I was attending church services twice on a Sunday. My father who was a lay preacher had roped me into serving at Evensong. He also insisted that I spent part of my Sunday afternoons learning the Book of Psalms, memorizing a Psalm and reciting it back to him verbatim. Initially I was allowed to choose the Psalm but when he realized that I was picking the shortest and easiest one he decided to pick the Psalms. Did you know that the shortest one is Psalm 117, ‘O praise the lord all ye nations, praise him all ye people’. This was probably the one that got me into trouble with my father.

 I realise now that I should really be grateful to him and the local priest, Father Fowler in helping me to cling on to my faith at a time when the temptation to conform to peer pressure was strong and hard to resist.  I had a further helping hand late into the teens when I moved from Brunei to a Methodist boarding school in Kent. The chaplain at the school was very welcoming and I found his confirmation class particularly inspiring. Both my elected guardians were retired missionaries and school holidays spent with them centred around regular worship and prayers. I was even encouraged to join the youth Christian fellowship which I did and embraced at the time.

The barren years on my Christian journey were post A level and University days. Peer pressure at this time was too hard to resist. The party crowd more appealing than the Christian fellowship. I adopted the stance that you could still be a good Christian without going to church and kept up with my private prayer sessions as much as I could. I’m ashamed to say that Christmas Eve and Easter Sunday services were the only ones I attended during this period and more for the event than for worship.

 I would like to think that it was more than just chance that took me back to being a devout Christian when I finished my university course. Soon after graduation my wife and I decided to get married and as was customary we were interviewed by the priest of the local church in Acton where Maureen was living at the time. We liked and connected with Father Brian. He gave us sound marital advice which was both sensible and practical. We became regular worshippers at St Albans and Maureen who was a Presbyterian took confirmation classes here and became an Anglican. We integrated easily into this community and formed very close friendships with one of the couples from the church. Within a short time Father Brian asked if I would like to be part of the altar team, a duty I accepted and enjoyed. There was something special about being at the altar with the priests and even more so when as the senior server I had the opportunity to stand next to the priest during holy communion. The four barren years could have easily led to a distancing from God but this experience felt like a re-connection at a much more profound level.

 I believe God’s presence continued in our lives despite the changes to our working lives. We had just started our own business and had a new addition to the family. It was difficult to juggle business commitments and caring for a baby with Sunday worship. We also moved away from Acton and only returned to St Albans from time to time for Sunday services including the baptism services for both our children.

 The lack of spiritual strength on my part to set aside time for worship despite circumstances meant that the children didn’t get the opportunity to go to church regularly, attend Sunday school and benefit from the spiritual experience I had as a child. Although they were aware of my strong faith and attended the occasional church service I still feel that I had not supported them on their journey of faith during their early childhood.

 Thank the Lord for the late morning family services as this gave me a chance to redeem myself. When the children were older we started going to church regularly as a family. The hunt for the later start on a Sunday morning took us to church services at All Saints Fulham where we first met Father Michael, St Brides in Fleet Street and St Augustine’s where we became regulars.

 Life was not without its tragedies. A year after celebrating my 50th birthday with my sister she died tragically in a fire in her home, only months after my father passed away. She and I were very close as children and her untimely death was a real challenge to my Christian beliefs and questioned my faith in a loving & caring God. I found it especially difficult to console my mother and explain why the God who she unwaveringly worshiped all her life had taken my sister before her time.

 The passing of my father and the tragic death of my sister were the events which re-connected us with Father Michael. Again I would like to think that it was not purely chance that took me on a stroll along Aubrey Walk and notice Father Michael’s name at the entrance to the church. What struck me when Father Michael was helping us with both my father’s and sister’s funeral services was that I felt the same connection with a priest as I did when I first met Father Brian. The sense of genuine concern, kindness and welcome was such that it seemed as if we were long standing members of the congregation at St George’s. This was very important to me at the time as I was going through a crisis of faith, searching for answers to my sister’s tragic death.

 I thank God that the lack of answers didn’t alienate me from the church and I believe that my continued regular worship at St George’s helped me to come to some sort of understanding and acceptance. 

 I faced a different kind of challenge in my life a few years later. The banking crisis of 2008 had a devasting effect on our business and forced me to consider the viability of keeping the business going. It came at a time when my eldest sister was terminally ill with cancer and died in February 2009. Her passing made me re-consider my purpose in life which at the time was mainly consumed with work and I decided to wind up the business. It was an emotional decision and not one I had properly thought through. The consequence of this decision was that I was saddled with debts both with a bank and credit card companies amounting to £160k. In the months following the closure of the business I was in despair as there was no prospect of work and income to service the debts which were increasing at an alarming rate with compounded interest.

 A sense of hopelessness set in and fueled the severe depression of having to bear the burden of debt on my own. As thoughts churned in my mind looking for a solution one which crossed my mind was to end my life. I don’t remember what brought me back from this brink of despair but believe it was the power of pray. My prayers which were a cry for help gave me the much-needed hope to crawl out of the very dark place I found myself in. The prayers were eventually answered and with the advice and help from a couple of acquaintances I was able to re-structure my debts with no accruing interest and repayments spread over a long period. I owe them both a huge debt of gratitude but do wonder if their timely interventions were chance encounters or the grace of God.

 More than a decade on I believe that my faith is stronger than ever and I feel a much closer connection with the church. The opportunity be one of the servers at St George’s has put me back at that very special place at the altar. There are cherished memories of happy occasions here including my daughter’s wedding and my granddaughter’s christening. I dare say that the transition from the Father Michael era to Father James was also wholly successful.

My hope for the journey forward is that it will not be as one sided as in the past, asking & receiving from God and that at some stage in my life I’ll be able to give in more ways than I do now.

 In this recollection of my journey as a Christian I have spoken about the grace of God, his love and Christian fellowship. The prayer that come to mind which I believe sums up what I have relied on during this journey is Corinthians 2, commonly known as the Grace Prayer. I recite this daily at the end of my private prayer sessions and would like to end my talk with this prayer.

 May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with us all now and evermore.