Eman Henein "Why Me?" Talk for the 3rd of March - Third Sunday of Lent

My name is Eman. I am from Egypt, so I ask your patience with my accent.

I always like to begin with a verse from Deuteronomy: ”In a desert land he found him, in a barren and howling waste, he shielded him and cared for him; he guarded him as the apple of his eye.” This verse sums up my faith journey. How I was lost, but how God found me, shielding, guarding, and caring for me. I will tell you how I encountered God.

I was born into a Christian family in Egypt, in a village called Elminya, near Luxor and Aswan. Both my father and brother are pastors today. I am a twin. Although my sister, Ragaa, and I were not close growing up, I now feel very close to her---she has helped me on my faith journey.

In my village, the practice of female circumcision was common. The villagers thought that circumcision would keep girls from acting upon their sexual desires before marriage. It was my grandmother, my father's mother, who was responsible for this act that was forced upon both my sister and me. My father was away travelling; my mother was powerless to stop this from happening. So, I was circumcised when I was twelve years old. It was extremely painful and made me feel ashamed. Because that act made me feel so unhappy, that same year I attempted to commit suicide by throwing myself in front of a car. My uncle saved me. Sadly, he died a few months later, so I felt alone again. This event was so traumatic for me that I blocked it from my memory until many years later.

I grew up in an environment that was filled with comparisons and love that was conditional. I wasn't happy with myself and wasn't satisfied with anything I did; I tried to be perfect. But I felt like I was running a race that had no end. When I was thirteen, I joined a youth group. I began studying the Bible and praying. However, I was afraid of God and his anger because I felt that he did not like me and that I had to do everything I could to try to please him, and that I had to try to please everyone else, as well. Everyone except myself.

When I was sixteen years old, I was a Sunday School teacher. I married at the age of twenty-two, an arranged marriage. It was not my free choice. My husband is a nice man, by the way, but I didn't know him very well then. I was unhappy. I wasn't ready for marriage; I wanted to finish my Ph.D. in Education and also become a fashion designer. My dreams did not come true. After my marriage, in 2005, I agreed that I would come to London with my husband, who was a chef, who had already gotten his visa here and wanted to make a life here. The British Embassy in Egypt did not make this easy. It had refused to give me a visa seven times, and I had to wait two years for a court order. I found myself in a new country, having to learn a new language.

Even after my arrival in London, my relationship with God was still broken. I found it difficult to speak with God because I felt too big a barrier between us; I was depressed and unhappy. I felt that I had a lot of love inside me, but I didn't know how to bring it out. It was as if something was preventing it from coming out. I was afraid of God. I felt that I had to do the right thing, otherwise God was going to be angry with me. I was afraid of the One whom I knew should be my fortress. I was terrified of him; any time I did something wrong, I knew that the penalty would come shortly. I felt a lack of mercy from everyone around me. I was so harsh to myself that when I made a mistake, I would bite myself. I remember standing in front of a mirror, saying to myself, "I hate you, Eman." I blamed myself; I was an enemy of myself.

Life did not stop, however, and I continued to work on myself. Since I moved to London, I studied English, passed the GCSES English and Maths in 2010, and received a Diploma as a Teaching Assistant in 2015. Since then, I have worked in educational settings with pupils who need extra support. Between 2007 and 2012, I had three children, as well.

At the end of my twenties, my twin, Ragaa, tried to connect me to a Christian group from Egypt that had helped her to take steps to become closer to God. Still, I wanted someone to help me reconcile myself to myself, first. A verse from Isaiah 43 transformed my life---it kept going through my mind: "You are precious in my sight, and I love you." I didn't pay it much attention at first, but then I started paying attention and saying it out loud, "I am precious in His sight, and he loves me." I was wondering whether I was precious. Am I beloved? Do you love me even if I am unable to pray or read the Bible, and I do not love myself? I had an honest talk with God. Then peace flooded my heart, and I felt something new about God that I had never felt before, like He was close to me. Then I decided that every day, I would tell him that I want to get to know him and spend time with him, but I was not sure how to do this. In my teenaged years I memorised over three-quarters of the Bible and participated in endless Bible studies, but the words remained only information, not touching my heart.

I decided to cry out to God every day to transform my life and provide me the grace to live His word. I found that the more I read the Bible, the more I could understand it. I discovered that I was in love with Jesus.

I remember sitting in my room praying one day when the ceremony of circumcision came to my mind. I was afraid to remember it, but I did remember it all. For the first time, weeping, I questioned God, "Lord, where have you been? Why did you abandon me?

Why did you allow this to happen to me? Why didn't you stop them? I was a teenager who couldn't say no to anyone!" Then God spoke to me, that He gave everyone free will, but He does not prevent them from making choices. He was there with me, though, and had tried to surround me with his kindness, but I didn't give him a chance. I had been so hurt both mentally and physically. God said to me, "I am now here to heal you. Allow me to heal you." I trusted him and let His Spirit heal me. In my spirit, I felt God close to me, and I was filled with His peace, love, and joy. I am now healed, and the proof is that I can now talk freely and without pain about my past. He has given me the strength to face my

false thoughts about my identity and about His love. He fixed my relationship with myself. I attended many healing programmes; I became able to forgive my grandmother and everyone else in my family. He saved my marriage, and I love my husband. If I could go back in time, I would pick him again. I am blessed to have him; he is an incredible man. I have three great children, and we are friends.

During the pandemic in 2020, God filled me with passion to work with young people. So, that same year, I began studying youth work, and in 2023, I graduated with a Higher Education (Level 4) Foundation in Theology in Youth and Children's Ministry from Durham University.

In September I joined Youth Ministry In Communion (YMIC), and serve as a part-time youth worker at St George's Church, together with our neighbouring parish, St Clement and St James. YMIC emphasises the sacramental nature of worship, and particularly the Eucharist. It's a privilege to be a member of St George's, and I'm always made to feel welcome and included. My vision is to start youth ministry at churches and journey with young people, accompany them on their spiritual journey as well as providing guidance and support through any challenges they may face.

Life is a journey, full of obstacles, and I still struggle. I have learned not to rely on my feelings, but on His word and promises. He has assured me, "I will never forsake you; do not be afraid." This is my faith---I am not just another face in the crowd, but I am His special love, His daughter, and if I were the only one in the world, He would come and save me because I am His masterpiece, handmade according to the book of Ephesians. This is my message to everyone today. God is so great and limitless that He searches for everyone who trusts him. I trust Him!